blessed

Once had been very unsure, worrying that i was just taking you as a replacement, worrying i was just trying finding a comfort as i am healing, worrying that on the next morning when i woke up, my feelings to you would just be gone.

But now i am sure of it, had never been this sure before, that you are the one, and i want no one else, which is beyond of your kindness to me. And i can't bear to lose you anymore. There's a long, hard road ahead, but i am willing to walk through it with you, if that's your will, too...

zzz... please make clear of the situation. If you think i still have a feeling on you and you are trying your best to keep away from me, , just save your energy. In fact do you remember it was me the one who want to cut it clear with you. Perhaps previously i am still trying to move on, but now, you are totally clear of my mind. Never the less, i wanna re-emphasize, the root of the problem is never you don't love me or reject me, it was you being dishonest, it was always this issue. but seems you never understand no matter how many times i tell. you are thinking that i was begging for your love, and any lack of that will hurt me so much, and make my life miserable, because i am too serious and u are pro in relationships.. ==, sweat... please la... u think i really cant live without you? ya, i wanted your love so bad that time, and i would not accept if you dont love me only, but its better that u tell the truth that u are still considering, and admitt that there are others trying directly or indirectly, and you may put them in consideration as well, rather than hiding it. don't say u scare it would hurt me, it don't, ur lies will, and actually you are just afraid people would think you are cheap if you tell the truth. If you need the feeling of being liked by others for your self-esteem, i felt pity for you... You don't need that, you are better than that.

anyway its all past, everyone makes mistakes. again, i wanna RE-EMPHASIZE, i am not telling this because i still having hope on you. Even if you knee down in front me begging me to accept you again now, i wont accept that. Not that i hate you, it's because what past is past. I believe every miserable mistakes shall end up with admitting the truth by one side, while forgiveness given by another. I had admitted my mistakes, and i had forgiven for what u did to me, i had done my part, i think its ur turn. if you dun wanna forgive never mind, but dun you think you shall admitt ur mistakes, or maybe u think u r not wrong, u shall tell the real truth, so that i know i dun deserve to forgive? or at least for you own conscience?

you know me. i am just that kind of person who believes in the untold truth, not what is shown outside, so please dont blame me for being annoying. at least i still appreciate you as a friend, a human being. anyway, sorry if there are harsh words, i dont have any hard feeling, i just dun like to purposely use nice words so that it wont bends from what i wanna tell, i wanna bring it in a nice way, but found no better words

我真的很懊恼，为什么到了这个阶段我还是要依赖其他人，开始觉得自己越来越不可靠，觉得自己很无能，真的很怀疑自己。是我骄傲？自己都不能依赖自己，怎么让人依赖。我不需要证明什么，只想做个可靠的人。我不需要他人的认可，但现在连自己也无法认可自己。。。心中的确很不安。我或许还处在一生中最黑暗的时候，我有很多限制，我有很多困境，我还有很多问题等着我去解决，我还有很多挣扎，我还是会做错事，或许会拖累身边的人，若你凭着这些论断我，作为接纳我的标准，我不需要你的接纳。我会努力改进自己，但我不会为了他人的接纳而努力，你接纳不了最差劲落魄的我，别对我说你能接纳最美好光辉的我。为什么我能够无条件的接纳他人，他人却终是在论断其他人，不断地在立起自己能接纳的标准？你凭什么这么做？只希望有人能懂我，明白我，不要论断我。

it feels bad you mean nothing to someone who means a lot to you. But who shall get the blame? it's nobody's fault. Just be honest, be sure about it, it's either yes or no, there is no inbetween. because if you cant say a sure no, i doubt your yes,i don't want that.

why?

because you can't even admitt that u love me, because i wonder what would have happen if someone else told you he loves you too, because you are still hoping for a better one, because i can be replaced if others work harder than me, because i don't want you to make a promise as result after balancing the pros and cons, because i don't u to have no choice but to stay with me just because of the stupid promise made, because i don't want to be a choice made upon the bounded rationality concept, because u don't feel bad when i am absent or want to walk away, you don't need me, because u are not willing to or perhaps afraid to let me noe ur everything and every thought, because you don't even bother to know my everything and every thought, because i feel so stupid thet you are my all while i am not your all, because you can just leave what i've given to you away, because u can even use the reason that you don't want to hurt me to reject me, which i still can't understand the logic behind till now, because you don't believe me and now i start to found it hard to believe you too, because you don't even bother to correct me when any of these are wrong, because you should have known honesty and is the best thing you could give me, because you are not willing to take any step forward no matter how many steps i had taken. because i just cant get away from this shit even i tried, perhaps time will tell

points to ponder

a strong man would take his strength for granted, as he has been strong for too long, thus he can only perceive the value of strength if he had been weak before.

a rich men would squander his wealth, as he never know how hard to obtain them and what they can do, thus he can only perceive the value of wealth if he had been poor before.

a healthy man would do everything that spoil his body, because he had never felt the pain and suffering of a sick man, thus he can only perceive the value of health if he had been sick before

a man would not apprecited his loved ones, because he never experience the emptiness and loneliness for losing them, thus he can only know how much he love someone, if he had or nearly lost his loved ones

a man would pursue vanity, which is seducing but temporary, throughout his life, ignoring the true meaning of life which is eternal, or even refuse to find it, as he had forgotten he'll be dead one day, and none of the vanity would stay or follow, thus a man can only perceive the value of life, if he had returned from the gate of death.

problem? always

seems i will miss.it again... any measure i can take? i was always preparing, but never get ready.... thus i really dont know what to do, as it always come so sudden and unexpected.... there are so much thing i havent settle and need to settle, if not it will still be a dead end... god help me please