blessed

Once had been very unsure, worrying that i was just taking you as a replacement, worrying i was just trying finding a comfort as i am healing, worrying that on the next morning when i woke up, my feelings to you would just be gone.

But now i am sure of it, had never been this sure before, that you are the one, and i want no one else, which is beyond of your kindness to me. And i can't bear to lose you anymore. There's a long, hard road ahead, but i am willing to walk through it with you, if that's your will, too...

zzz... please make clear of the situation. If you think i still have a feeling on you and you are trying your best to keep away from me, , just save your energy. In fact do you remember it was me the one who want to cut it clear with you. Perhaps previously i am still trying to move on, but now, you are totally clear of my mind. Never the less, i wanna re-emphasize, the root of the problem is never you don't love me or reject me, it was you being dishonest, it was always this issue. but seems you never understand no matter how many times i tell. you are thinking that i was begging for your love, and any lack of that will hurt me so much, and make my life miserable, because i am too serious and u are pro in relationships.. ==, sweat... please la... u think i really cant live without you? ya, i wanted your love so bad that time, and i would not accept if you dont love me only, but its better that u tell the truth that u are still considering, and admitt that there are others trying directly or indirectly, and you may put them in consideration as well, rather than hiding it. don't say u scare it would hurt me, it don't, ur lies will, and actually you are just afraid people would think you are cheap if you tell the truth. If you need the feeling of being liked by others for your self-esteem, i felt pity for you... You don't need that, you are better than that.

anyway its all past, everyone makes mistakes. again, i wanna RE-EMPHASIZE, i am not telling this because i still having hope on you. Even if you knee down in front me begging me to accept you again now, i wont accept that. Not that i hate you, it's because what past is past. I believe every miserable mistakes shall end up with admitting the truth by one side, while forgiveness given by another. I had admitted my mistakes, and i had forgiven for what u did to me, i had done my part, i think its ur turn. if you dun wanna forgive never mind, but dun you think you shall admitt ur mistakes, or maybe u think u r not wrong, u shall tell the real truth, so that i know i dun deserve to forgive? or at least for you own conscience?

you know me. i am just that kind of person who believes in the untold truth, not what is shown outside, so please dont blame me for being annoying. at least i still appreciate you as a friend, a human being. anyway, sorry if there are harsh words, i dont have any hard feeling, i just dun like to purposely use nice words so that it wont bends from what i wanna tell, i wanna bring it in a nice way, but found no better words

我真的很懊恼，为什么到了这个阶段我还是要依赖其他人，开始觉得自己越来越不可靠，觉得自己很无能，真的很怀疑自己。是我骄傲？自己都不能依赖自己，怎么让人依赖。我不需要证明什么，只想做个可靠的人。我不需要他人的认可，但现在连自己也无法认可自己。。。心中的确很不安。我或许还处在一生中最黑暗的时候，我有很多限制，我有很多困境，我还有很多问题等着我去解决，我还有很多挣扎，我还是会做错事，或许会拖累身边的人，若你凭着这些论断我，作为接纳我的标准，我不需要你的接纳。我会努力改进自己，但我不会为了他人的接纳而努力，你接纳不了最差劲落魄的我，别对我说你能接纳最美好光辉的我。为什么我能够无条件的接纳他人，他人却终是在论断其他人，不断地在立起自己能接纳的标准？你凭什么这么做？只希望有人能懂我，明白我，不要论断我。

it feels bad you mean nothing to someone who means a lot to you. But who shall get the blame? it's nobody's fault. Just be honest, be sure about it, it's either yes or no, there is no inbetween. because if you cant say a sure no, i doubt your yes,i don't want that.

why?

because you can't even admitt that u love me, because i wonder what would have happen if someone else told you he loves you too, because you are still hoping for a better one, because i can be replaced if others work harder than me, because i don't want you to make a promise as result after balancing the pros and cons, because i don't u to have no choice but to stay with me just because of the stupid promise made, because i don't want to be a choice made upon the bounded rationality concept, because u don't feel bad when i am absent or want to walk away, you don't need me, because u are not willing to or perhaps afraid to let me noe ur everything and every thought, because you don't even bother to know my everything and every thought, because i feel so stupid thet you are my all while i am not your all, because you can just leave what i've given to you away, because u can even use the reason that you don't want to hurt me to reject me, which i still can't understand the logic behind till now, because you don't believe me and now i start to found it hard to believe you too, because you don't even bother to correct me when any of these are wrong, because you should have known honesty and is the best thing you could give me, because you are not willing to take any step forward no matter how many steps i had taken. because i just cant get away from this shit even i tried, perhaps time will tell

points to ponder

a strong man would take his strength for granted, as he has been strong for too long, thus he can only perceive the value of strength if he had been weak before.

a rich men would squander his wealth, as he never know how hard to obtain them and what they can do, thus he can only perceive the value of wealth if he had been poor before.

a healthy man would do everything that spoil his body, because he had never felt the pain and suffering of a sick man, thus he can only perceive the value of health if he had been sick before

a man would not apprecited his loved ones, because he never experience the emptiness and loneliness for losing them, thus he can only know how much he love someone, if he had or nearly lost his loved ones

a man would pursue vanity, which is seducing but temporary, throughout his life, ignoring the true meaning of life which is eternal, or even refuse to find it, as he had forgotten he'll be dead one day, and none of the vanity would stay or follow, thus a man can only perceive the value of life, if he had returned from the gate of death.

problem? always

seems i will miss.it again... any measure i can take? i was always preparing, but never get ready.... thus i really dont know what to do, as it always come so sudden and unexpected.... there are so much thing i havent settle and need to settle, if not it will still be a dead end... god help me please

men are from mars, women are from venus

Once upon a time, men lived on mars... they are a group of arrogant people, ambitious people, smart people, they work hard, developing all kinds of hi-tech stuff, they always see achieving success in their work is the main part of a meaningful life.
One day, the mars people invented a telescope, and they discovered venus. They saw the people in venus, called women. The Venus people are so different, they are elegant, artistic, sensitive to every finest and beautiful thing, relationships with other people is wat they consider as meaning of life.
The mars people were so excited, they have never seen such thing in their life, their natural instinct of adventuring and discovering drives them mad. Thus, the mars people quickly invented a spaceship and travel to venus. Upon arrival on Venus, the Mars and Venus people met, and they mixed up better than expected. They are so amazed by the character of each other which is absent in themselves, which made them fit each other like a lock and a key. They were so happy to meet each other thus they decided to live together. So, the mars people brought the venus people into their spaceship, and travel to a new planet called earth.
Time passed days after days, the mars and venus people live together peacefully in earth, they were so used to the presence of each other, until they forgot their own origin, where they came from different planet. Since then, the Mars people expect the venus people to think logically like they do, while the venus people expect the mars people to be as sentimental as they do. They found that they don't understand each other anymore, they do not fit in each other anymore, thus there were no peace anymore... They were complaining about each other all the time.
people from two planet, difference is always there, no matter how long they lived together. Key to maintain the peace or happiness, is never to eliminate the difference, but is to live with the difference. you are who you are, you shall never change and you are not able to change, otherwise, you are losing yourself. Accept the difference of each other, accomodate for each other. In fact, from the beginning, it was the difference that attracts people from two planet together... Learning to accept and enjoy the difference, you'll discover how well the difference can fit two people in, like a lock and a key...

(Gray, 1992)

Keep and throw

Choices have to be made, one person cant own too many things, one person cant be so greedy. There stages in life that you shall not restrict yourself to anything, there is no such thing as exposure to too much things, as everyone is still discovering their path. However, there is a time where people shall move into a stage that choices have to be made, and certain things have to be given up, as life goes on, things are getting harder and no one can handle too much things at the same time, pick those you have the most passion and ability. Seems i extend the discovery stage too long, in fact, i delayed the stages. While people were discovering, i closed myself; when it is time to start making choices, i was just starting to discover. Well, it's time to gave up something, or else i can't reach both ends.
Make choices on things, not people. Appreciate every person that entered your life, never have any thought on choosing who to stay, who to leave, even if they hurt you, because it will never goes your way. No one can act the way you desire always, everyone makes mistakes, no one could stay in your life forever, every friends have a day to part, but the relations always stay, if u never choose to eliminate them. Never choose who to help, help anyone as long as you have the ability to and it's the right thing. People may not give a return, people may not appreciate your deed, people may turn their back on you, but those never hurt, it was your expectation that hurts.

can i kill myself?

Tai ChU hOng!!! What are you doing!!! You think you're so good?!! you think you don't need to work hard? How are you going to live with an attitude like that? When are you going to learn? When are you going to change? When are you going to throw your pride away? I felt like slapping you to death.... please... don't behave like that anymore... you're not a kid anymore, time to take life seriously...

my limit

Felt that i am exceeding my limit. Cant really do anything well. Thank god for always humbling whenever i was about to be carried away.
Had determine to serve god, but had struggled long, for nth bt my own fear... but at least i got a chance now.i shall be bringing ppl to god, bt cant find a way. Its hard to talk such thing to others, especially ur friends and loved ones, while they are those you care the most, and you want them to share god's love the most.
Relationships are a bunch of messes too. I am further apart from my family aond friends. Had no clue on my love life, well its not sth i could plan of. perhaps i still have some unsettled business with it, which was not properly cleared last time, well i cant do anything with it anymore...
my academic performance was a mess too. had been giving shitty work recently. really doubt whether i could i be a competent pharmacist in less than a year time... most of my friends are starting on their planning on career, business , entrepreneurship, whatever.... i seemed so noob on that... really doubt could i even survive the future...
sponsorship things are messes too, left it for long time dy. should be more responsible on that. what kind of shitty head is me? maybe its not really in my ability.
too much shitty to be talked, it woould take days.... just stop here, conclusion, FML

Sorry

honestly, i don't want a second chance, even if i could... It wasn't the same anymore... All i need is a chance to say sorry, and seems i lost that chance again too... No one is replacable, and no one is replacement for another... Don't try to replace it with a similar 1, that will piss me off... Its not a thing that could be made a joke

worthless

  i felt like fool for doing all this... kinda worthless to do such thing, who cares about it? don't dream of changing the world in such a way... i don't need any reward... i just hope people to be a fool like me, that's the only way i would felt being appreciated... ridiculous right???

lost, again

  i am really frustrated, i don't like being in this stage.... i felt really restricted to do anything, my abilities are so limited. Its the time to stop being dependent on others, but still not able to do so; its the time to find your own position and make some impact on others, but still are not sure are you giving a good impact and people just won't listen to you. felt do helpless its the darkest age i think, and i can't wait for it to pass, time please run faster...

not discrimination, yet...

The number is small, but the gap is getting bigger, as people are fighting for their own bunch , superior to the benefit of all, ignoring others. They thought this is unity, no it's stupidity, discrimination, or maybe racism. They are holding strong to their own opinion, not because they think it's the best for all, they just want their opinion to stand out.... They thought this is principled, no it's selfishness, childishness, self-centered. Don't complain that the world is selfish, racist or discriminative.... It all started in that small population,  you had been a part of it, instead of stopping it, you made it a practice, then it spreads to the world, and you are saying that the world is so cruel

我心中尚未崩坏的地方

幸运的孩子 爬上了殿堂
成果代价都要品尝
单纯的孩子 是否变了样
跟著游戏规则 学著成长
跟著节奏我常迷惘

当人心变成市场 当市场变成战场
战场埋葬多少理想
回想著理想 微薄的希望
走著钢索我的刚强

伟大和伪装 灰尘或辉煌
那是一线之隔 或是一线曙光

期待著彩虹 所以开了窗
窗外只有灼热闪光
所谓的彩虹 不过就是光
只要心还透明 就能折射希望

每个孤独天亮 我都一个人唱
默默的让著旋律 和我心交响

就算会有一天
没人与我合唱 至少在我的心中
还有个尚未崩坏的地方

其实我们都一模一样
无名却充满了莫名渴望
一生等一次 发光
至少在我的心中 自己为自己鼓掌

孩子一样 不肯腐烂的土壤

By 五月天　阿信

谦卑

谦卑与谦虚不同，谦虚乃一种处人待事的态度，不愿在人前夸耀自己的长处，愿意虚心向人请教；谦卑乃一种心态，不必显露给谁看，就是单单面对自己时，还愿意把自己放在很低的位置，承认自己的渺小，无论自己有多大的能耐，成就，财富，地位，或知识，愿意掏空自己，从零开始。。。谦虚很重要，它能让你受大家的喜爱，受大家尊重。所谓三人行必有我师焉，谦虚能让你找到许多老师，学得更多。。。谦虚，许多人都做到了，谦卑呢？谦虚而不谦卑，那叫虚伪。。。你无法把水倒进一个满的杯子，唯有谦卑的人，才能像那干海绵一样，把周围的事物都吸收了。这种快速吸收的能力，靠的不是天赋，是谦卑。。。许多人在面对新事物，总是抗拒，很“谦虚”的“放下自己”，总说自己不是那块料，学不来。。。这真是谦虚吗？面对新事物，是从零开始，放胆去学，无论结果如何，都没损失。这些人真厉害，能未仆先知的预测自己学不来，这是自大，还是虚伪？或是把自己看得太高，万一失败了，无法面对那挫折感，所以选择不尝试，留着那份还未失败的优越感；或是死要面子，怕失败了被人笑？要学会谦卑，它不会让你失去自信，它能你有不怕失败的勇气，爬得越高，跌得越痛，能把自己放在低的位置，不是不会跌到，是让你不怕跌到，更重要的是，跌了不怕再爬起来。。。人总是要经过一次次的跌到和爬起，才能成长。。。

犯贱

我就是犯贱，我就是放不下，那又怎样？与其他人无关，你又不会少条毛。。。别问我还要用多久时间，我不懂，虽然真的过了很久。。。别来帮我，因为没人帮得上忙; 别来劝我，那只是徒劳。。。这是我的问题，我自己解决，虽然有时真的快受不了。。。

nonsense

wonder why suddenly i want to buy so many things, i want a basketball (i never bought 1, felt weird too), i want a new guitar, i want a smartphone, i want new formal clothes, i want a printer, i want a hard disk, i want a set of nice speaker, i want to buy glucosamine for my mum, i want to buy a pair of basketball shoes for my brother, i want to buy...bla bla bla... hmmmm.... wonder why these things come to my head at this moment, where i am really broke... T.T

情为何物? lol

有人对我说,谈恋爱嘛...那份感情顶多耐个三四年,之后新鲜感就不在了,一就是分开,还会在一起的不过是因为那分责任感,那个承诺,根本没什么感情可言了...
我想说,若那分感情是那么短暂,在一起那么委屈,那谈恋爱来干嘛?充面子?怕给人笑?妈妈叫的?
其实,不管多枯燥乏味,却还愿意扛起那分责任感,守着那个承诺,是因为什么?不就是那分感情吗?真正的happily ever after,其实不过如此...是人放不下自我,有太多不切实际的期待,期待爱情能给自己些什么回报.渐渐的,就失望了,倦了.恋爱中,爱的不是恋爱的感觉,更不是新鲜感,是对方...要记得是因为爱对方,才谈恋爱;不是要谈恋爱,才爱对方