i am bad

Had ignored my both phones for such a long time, just taken a look and found three missed calls, all from parents, made 3 hours ago.... Not going to call back, they must had fallen asleep... Had forgotten the last time i heard their voice. In fact, i had never phoned them, it was always they were calling... Very weird that i always have nothing to talk with them, and each time they called, it only lasts for 2-3 minutes... Rarely having activities with them, movies, outings, shopping, vacations... Can hardly remember any of these that i had went together with them... rarely had any celebrations together with them, birthdays? father's & mother's days? anniversaries? can easily count the numbers of the celebrations we had together as it is really few... it had been like this throughout these years.. well, they are always busy, and i was not able to "organize" such activities at that time... maybe now i should really do something? i am a bad son huh?
Just knew from facebook, my brother is having a basketball game tomorrow... and the tournament had started for quite a long time... wow!!! really "early" for me to know it now... had been very late, not going to wish him good luck, in fact even if i knew it early, i am not going to wish him... i want to but really hard to speak out those words, even your own family, it felt so ~~~~~~, hmmm hard to describe... actually its a lot more easier to say such thing to a friend compare to family... my brother is 8 years younger than me, hardly have a common interest and topic at the same time. Furthermore, facing a boy at his age of rebellion really is challenging your temper. In fact, we don't have much interaction too, i hope we have more, even if it is an argument. hmmmm, i am a bad brother huh?

是谁变了？

千万个意愿想回去跟你们一起，我比谁都在乎这个群体，从来未想过你们在我心中占了如此重要的地位。。。从前一直把这看成一个负担，缠着我很不自在，一直等着机会逃脱，一走了之。走了才发现我其实不能少了你们，失去你们，生命就缺了一大块。。。从一开始被强迫加入，到后来慢慢建立起的归属感，与你们的回忆好坏参半，但总是那么难忘。。。是你们让我成长，是你们造就了今天的我，真的很谢谢你们，很感恩我曾是你们的一分子，这是上帝赐给我最大的恩典。。。很惭愧我没为你们做了什么，有时是心有余而力不足，其实多半是自己诸多借口，是自己任性，总觉得外面的生活精彩，不愿被束缚在那个鸟不生蛋的地方，才不愿回去；而且也不觉得你们需要我，回去也做不了什么。。。离开了你们这么久，你们也做得很好，而且更胜从前。。。
不懂你们还当不当我是你们的一分子，但请不要质疑我有多在乎你们，我也曾与你们一起苦过哭过，不当我是一分子我不怪你们，是我不好，但请别把我们之间的友谊也丢掉了。。。千万个意愿想从新与你们一起打拼，但我能感到你们的变化，变得冷漠，因该很恨我吧。。。我脸皮不够厚，不懂该怎么做。。。
能和你们一起的时光没剩多少，很对不起之前把一大段的时间浪费了，现在只希望能用我仅剩的少少时间禰补回去，如果还有机会的话。。。
你们是我的精神支柱，当我在这个乱世里放荡堕落时，是你们把我拉住了，不让我再陷下去，让我站稳我的立场。。
希望你们能继续作主衷心的仆人，继续造就其他人，好像你们造就我一样。。。当然，就算没有与你们一起，我承诺也会在自己的领域上造就他人，带着与你们一样的信念，一样的宗旨。。。

if time could rewind

Easily falling into the past, always thinking that how good would it be if time could rewind.
Always thinking if i could get back to that time, i could take better measures, i wouldn't give it up so easily, i would start earlier.
if time could rewind, i could fill those emptiness and mistakes...
Too bad, i can't... should look forward instead...

weak

yes i m weak...
what or who gave me those confidence all this time?
at least now i realise that i am weak,and it will take my pride away...
that's the only good thing i think...

doubts

doubting the path i had chosen again after 1 and a half years.
i don't really like what i had chosen at the beginning,its all about the money,
but somehow being motivated as i realize how much changes i could make to the world by taking this path, how many people i could save.
Had been willing to bear this responsibility although it would be hard and need lots of sacrifices, but it makes my life a lot more meaningful.
so, i was so sure that i wanted what i had chosen for a period of 1 and a half years, despite marked declining results.
i never doubt my own ability, was so confident that it was my perspective that is differ from the authorities and my unwillingness to give up my stand caused the declining results. Or maybe the authorities were biased. Or there were too much things i had to take care which distracted me from doing well.
i am really doubting myself now. Am i on the right path? First time, i really tried hard with the least distraction and fullest preparation ever, but still get a shit...
sure i can continue this path with my current situation, my life is still secured, probably same with those did well, just lack of little pride.... it wont be a problem if it only affects myself, but in fact it is not. I am dealing with human's life.
besides, really hard to give up my pride, it drives me to do things...
Was thinking to change my path but it affects not only myself, too much things and people will be affected... i can't be so capricious, especially when i had a family that had been in a hard condition for years and needed me for a improvement.
Giving myself one last chance

rebellion

he's not a small kid anymore, he can't be easily satisfied with a candy anymore,
he's not going to obey you, without a solid reason, sometimes even when the reason is obviously present
he starts to fight for what he think is right, although he hasn't truely know what's right and wrong,
he refuses to follow others, he wants to be different,
he's discovering himself...
well, everyone has to go through this stage...
May god fill me with wisdom to play my part in guiding him through this period...

Mr. Average

Yes, i am describing myself...
Suddenly found that i am really average on everything,
well, i am really bad in many things, and at the same time can be better than many in some fields,
but had never been the best...
wonder is there any field that can let me feel myself as the best of all...
Losing myself again....
Arrgghhh.. i hate it!!!!
back to study....