down

No… that feeling is rearising in my mind again, i hate this feeling.. a feeling that I fear the most, a feeling that once had been disturbing me for a long time, a feeling that I thought I had been totally free from it… it’s a feeling of extremely low self esteemed, that myself have nothing good compare to others, that I am living in this world as a useless person, living without any contribution… a feeling that my existence is insignificant, which no one would appreciate, which is meant to be ignored.. Maybe they would even live better without me… Maybe someday I suddenly disappear from this world, or die in a remote place, no one would notice as well, or even if they notice, it wouldn’t affect them…
I won’t go for suicide… but I don’t know why such feeling suddenly recurrent in my mind. Believe me, none of you will have bigger fear towards it than me, and I want to get rid of it more than anyone else…
Why would it come back and bug me? Ya… recently, my life sucks… bad news and failures are appearing one by one… well, not recently, my life always sucks… but, once, not long ago, I had been so motivated, having a lot of confidence, that I had a good life, for no reason… now, I miss that well being feeling… Maybe human’s memory would selectively keep those good memories, dumping the bad ones, lead to my paradoxical well being feeling… I had been holding on to my belief strongly, making others as nonsense and foolish… I had been following my own standards, instead of following others, since I had seen inaccuracy and bias in their standards. But now, my stands are shaking, is it too arrogant for me to set my own standards? Or I was setting my own standards, so that it would mask my failure in standards of others… Am I fooling myself?
Maybe i had this feeling because i am too free during the holiday.. haha. Well, maybe I really had nothing to be proud of…