i am bad

Had ignored my both phones for such a long time, just taken a look and found three missed calls, all from parents, made 3 hours ago.... Not going to call back, they must had fallen asleep... Had forgotten the last time i heard their voice. In fact, i had never phoned them, it was always they were calling... Very weird that i always have nothing to talk with them, and each time they called, it only lasts for 2-3 minutes... Rarely having activities with them, movies, outings, shopping, vacations... Can hardly remember any of these that i had went together with them... rarely had any celebrations together with them, birthdays? father's & mother's days? anniversaries? can easily count the numbers of the celebrations we had together as it is really few... it had been like this throughout these years.. well, they are always busy, and i was not able to "organize" such activities at that time... maybe now i should really do something? i am a bad son huh?
Just knew from facebook, my brother is having a basketball game tomorrow... and the tournament had started for quite a long time... wow!!! really "early" for me to know it now... had been very late, not going to wish him good luck, in fact even if i knew it early, i am not going to wish him... i want to but really hard to speak out those words, even your own family, it felt so ~~~~~~, hmmm hard to describe... actually its a lot more easier to say such thing to a friend compare to family... my brother is 8 years younger than me, hardly have a common interest and topic at the same time. Furthermore, facing a boy at his age of rebellion really is challenging your temper. In fact, we don't have much interaction too, i hope we have more, even if it is an argument. hmmmm, i am a bad brother huh?

是谁变了？

千万个意愿想回去跟你们一起，我比谁都在乎这个群体，从来未想过你们在我心中占了如此重要的地位。。。从前一直把这看成一个负担，缠着我很不自在，一直等着机会逃脱，一走了之。走了才发现我其实不能少了你们，失去你们，生命就缺了一大块。。。从一开始被强迫加入，到后来慢慢建立起的归属感，与你们的回忆好坏参半，但总是那么难忘。。。是你们让我成长，是你们造就了今天的我，真的很谢谢你们，很感恩我曾是你们的一分子，这是上帝赐给我最大的恩典。。。很惭愧我没为你们做了什么，有时是心有余而力不足，其实多半是自己诸多借口，是自己任性，总觉得外面的生活精彩，不愿被束缚在那个鸟不生蛋的地方，才不愿回去；而且也不觉得你们需要我，回去也做不了什么。。。离开了你们这么久，你们也做得很好，而且更胜从前。。。
不懂你们还当不当我是你们的一分子，但请不要质疑我有多在乎你们，我也曾与你们一起苦过哭过，不当我是一分子我不怪你们，是我不好，但请别把我们之间的友谊也丢掉了。。。千万个意愿想从新与你们一起打拼，但我能感到你们的变化，变得冷漠，因该很恨我吧。。。我脸皮不够厚，不懂该怎么做。。。
能和你们一起的时光没剩多少，很对不起之前把一大段的时间浪费了，现在只希望能用我仅剩的少少时间禰补回去，如果还有机会的话。。。
你们是我的精神支柱，当我在这个乱世里放荡堕落时，是你们把我拉住了，不让我再陷下去，让我站稳我的立场。。
希望你们能继续作主衷心的仆人，继续造就其他人，好像你们造就我一样。。。当然，就算没有与你们一起，我承诺也会在自己的领域上造就他人，带着与你们一样的信念，一样的宗旨。。。