my limit

Felt that i am exceeding my limit. Cant really do anything well. Thank god for always humbling whenever i was about to be carried away.
Had determine to serve god, but had struggled long, for nth bt my own fear... but at least i got a chance now.i shall be bringing ppl to god, bt cant find a way. Its hard to talk such thing to others, especially ur friends and loved ones, while they are those you care the most, and you want them to share god's love the most.
Relationships are a bunch of messes too. I am further apart from my family aond friends. Had no clue on my love life, well its not sth i could plan of. perhaps i still have some unsettled business with it, which was not properly cleared last time, well i cant do anything with it anymore...
my academic performance was a mess too. had been giving shitty work recently. really doubt whether i could i be a competent pharmacist in less than a year time... most of my friends are starting on their planning on career, business , entrepreneurship, whatever.... i seemed so noob on that... really doubt could i even survive the future...
sponsorship things are messes too, left it for long time dy. should be more responsible on that. what kind of shitty head is me? maybe its not really in my ability.
too much shitty to be talked, it woould take days.... just stop here, conclusion, FML

Sorry

honestly, i don't want a second chance, even if i could... It wasn't the same anymore... All i need is a chance to say sorry, and seems i lost that chance again too... No one is replacable, and no one is replacement for another... Don't try to replace it with a similar 1, that will piss me off... Its not a thing that could be made a joke

worthless

  i felt like fool for doing all this... kinda worthless to do such thing, who cares about it? don't dream of changing the world in such a way... i don't need any reward... i just hope people to be a fool like me, that's the only way i would felt being appreciated... ridiculous right???

lost, again

  i am really frustrated, i don't like being in this stage.... i felt really restricted to do anything, my abilities are so limited. Its the time to stop being dependent on others, but still not able to do so; its the time to find your own position and make some impact on others, but still are not sure are you giving a good impact and people just won't listen to you. felt do helpless its the darkest age i think, and i can't wait for it to pass, time please run faster...

not discrimination, yet...

The number is small, but the gap is getting bigger, as people are fighting for their own bunch , superior to the benefit of all, ignoring others. They thought this is unity, no it's stupidity, discrimination, or maybe racism. They are holding strong to their own opinion, not because they think it's the best for all, they just want their opinion to stand out.... They thought this is principled, no it's selfishness, childishness, self-centered. Don't complain that the world is selfish, racist or discriminative.... It all started in that small population,  you had been a part of it, instead of stopping it, you made it a practice, then it spreads to the world, and you are saying that the world is so cruel

我心中尚未崩坏的地方

幸运的孩子 爬上了殿堂
成果代价都要品尝
单纯的孩子 是否变了样
跟著游戏规则 学著成长
跟著节奏我常迷惘

当人心变成市场 当市场变成战场
战场埋葬多少理想
回想著理想 微薄的希望
走著钢索我的刚强

伟大和伪装 灰尘或辉煌
那是一线之隔 或是一线曙光

期待著彩虹 所以开了窗
窗外只有灼热闪光
所谓的彩虹 不过就是光
只要心还透明 就能折射希望

每个孤独天亮 我都一个人唱
默默的让著旋律 和我心交响

就算会有一天
没人与我合唱 至少在我的心中
还有个尚未崩坏的地方

其实我们都一模一样
无名却充满了莫名渴望
一生等一次 发光
至少在我的心中 自己为自己鼓掌

孩子一样 不肯腐烂的土壤

By 五月天　阿信

谦卑

谦卑与谦虚不同，谦虚乃一种处人待事的态度，不愿在人前夸耀自己的长处，愿意虚心向人请教；谦卑乃一种心态，不必显露给谁看，就是单单面对自己时，还愿意把自己放在很低的位置，承认自己的渺小，无论自己有多大的能耐，成就，财富，地位，或知识，愿意掏空自己，从零开始。。。谦虚很重要，它能让你受大家的喜爱，受大家尊重。所谓三人行必有我师焉，谦虚能让你找到许多老师，学得更多。。。谦虚，许多人都做到了，谦卑呢？谦虚而不谦卑，那叫虚伪。。。你无法把水倒进一个满的杯子，唯有谦卑的人，才能像那干海绵一样，把周围的事物都吸收了。这种快速吸收的能力，靠的不是天赋，是谦卑。。。许多人在面对新事物，总是抗拒，很“谦虚”的“放下自己”，总说自己不是那块料，学不来。。。这真是谦虚吗？面对新事物，是从零开始，放胆去学，无论结果如何，都没损失。这些人真厉害，能未仆先知的预测自己学不来，这是自大，还是虚伪？或是把自己看得太高，万一失败了，无法面对那挫折感，所以选择不尝试，留着那份还未失败的优越感；或是死要面子，怕失败了被人笑？要学会谦卑，它不会让你失去自信，它能你有不怕失败的勇气，爬得越高，跌得越痛，能把自己放在低的位置，不是不会跌到，是让你不怕跌到，更重要的是，跌了不怕再爬起来。。。人总是要经过一次次的跌到和爬起，才能成长。。。

犯贱

我就是犯贱，我就是放不下，那又怎样？与其他人无关，你又不会少条毛。。。别问我还要用多久时间，我不懂，虽然真的过了很久。。。别来帮我，因为没人帮得上忙; 别来劝我，那只是徒劳。。。这是我的问题，我自己解决，虽然有时真的快受不了。。。

nonsense

wonder why suddenly i want to buy so many things, i want a basketball (i never bought 1, felt weird too), i want a new guitar, i want a smartphone, i want new formal clothes, i want a printer, i want a hard disk, i want a set of nice speaker, i want to buy glucosamine for my mum, i want to buy a pair of basketball shoes for my brother, i want to buy...bla bla bla... hmmmm.... wonder why these things come to my head at this moment, where i am really broke... T.T

情为何物? lol

有人对我说,谈恋爱嘛...那份感情顶多耐个三四年,之后新鲜感就不在了,一就是分开,还会在一起的不过是因为那分责任感,那个承诺,根本没什么感情可言了...
我想说,若那分感情是那么短暂,在一起那么委屈,那谈恋爱来干嘛?充面子?怕给人笑?妈妈叫的?
其实,不管多枯燥乏味,却还愿意扛起那分责任感,守着那个承诺,是因为什么?不就是那分感情吗?真正的happily ever after,其实不过如此...是人放不下自我,有太多不切实际的期待,期待爱情能给自己些什么回报.渐渐的,就失望了,倦了.恋爱中,爱的不是恋爱的感觉,更不是新鲜感,是对方...要记得是因为爱对方,才谈恋爱;不是要谈恋爱,才爱对方

my third year

can't believe i am concluding my third year.... because previously i thought it was stupid... haha

stepping into final year already, time flies!!! and gonna going to start my career soon... that makes me to appreciate my life as a student more than ever..

My third year was very different from the previous two years, had decide to stay outside in my final year in the beginning of third year, thus had no stress in whatever i do in college, i can join or do anything that i love only, and it's totally enjoyable although sometimes it seemed quite irresponsible. but, in return, i made less friends i think, i stayed in room more than ever... is was not that i don't want to socialize, but i can't really find any method to mix around with the juniors, there were less activities for me to get along with them reasonably i think. i am not the kind of people who can easily talk or mix with strangers in a short time and without any occasion that makes making friends seemed so natural... i am still the same after so many years, can't change it forever i think, haha.. maybe it would be better if i did not decline the offer to be a PM..

My third year was also the first time for the pharmacy department to allocate us in various lecture halls for classes instead of the seminar rooms in the department. That further deplete my chances to know my course juniors i think. well, i was known as a "phantom" senior in the orientation since i had been a senior, because i was lazy to wait and stay long after the class... Besides, i had never like my course's orientation, either as the being orientated junior or the orientating senior... Ya, it is undeniable orientation is necessary for every freshies of any disciplines, because it is always the best way to let seniors and juniors to get know of each other, and the most important part, it prepares the freshies with a right attitude and mind to learn whatever needed to be a professional in the field, and letting them to understand the role of their profession in the society. i don't think my course's orientation fulfilled these objectives, in fact, i really doubt is there anyone who understand these objectives... For the orientators, some were doing this because of the seniors' urge, some just want to show off their own capabilities, some just want to keep their noble and dominating "inheritance" which is totally bullshit. the seniors were joining it because they were targeting their little buddies, some were targeting for "mates", some just want to watch a show; the juniors were joining because of they had no choice, as they were frighten always with the word "buddyline", where if they skipped orientation, they wouldn't be recognised as a junior, which means the seniors would boycott them, they will have no buddyline, and won't have seniors notes and guidance... totally stupid. Having the thought to be an orientator during my late first year, but how would you do something that you are totally disagree with? and that time i do not know how would i correct it, and i know i don't have the ability to... regretting now for not having a try...

anyway, third year was the year i had the most buddy gatherings, had never felt so close with my buddies, once i felt this buddy line thing was so meaningless and stupid, but now i felt so warm with my buddies, i love you all!!!!! muackss

a hard part of third year was to separate with my medical student friends, as they were moving to klang... they were great friends where i had a lot of f
un with, and learnt a lot from... well, they are coming bk next year, it won't be long

The most unexpected and funny thing in the whole third year was i had been the director of Pharmily Day. It was funny because i had not truely participate in the previous Pharmily Days, not even once, thus i don't really know what is it all about. And i can't imagine myself as a director, leading or guiding people.. and i hate talking in front of people. don't have any motivation to do this thing, because i don't see the point or meaning of doing it, and it seems no one like it or need it, making no difference between doing it or not, but still forced to do it... this kind of feeling really sucks.. the turning point happened when once i was doing some paperwork in the department office regarding pharmily day, where a staff( i had never seen him before) came to me and said he likes pharmily day very much, and gave me some words of encouragement... wow, at least there are someone who appreciate our work. i was thinking, how meaningful or significant an event is actually dependent on the people who run it and the participants... we have no choice but continue to do this event, rather than wasting time complaining how stupid and meaningless it is, why don't we try to make it meaningful? the event maybe small, the event may not be a charity program that helps the needies, but it is really a good way to bring everyone close together and a chance to let everyone have fun, thus it would be meaningful if we run it well. from a chinese proverb, "do not refuse to do a good thing because it is not big enough". that gave me strength to continue... so from that day i was trying to change people's perception towards it, i don't know whether i had succeeded, but at least i try... too many things that we can't change abruptly, and sure it would cause disatisfaction among people... the event came and it runs smoothly, no big problems occured. Seemed every had fun that time, credits would surely goes to my batchmates who organize it so nicely, and also the crazy final year seniors who bring so much colours to the event... really thank them a lot!!! after the event, compliments were flying to us... everyone said it was a success. i am a weird person, i appreciate the compliments but i don't really like them, i was hoping to hear any negative comments because that's how you learn. And too much good words seemed fake, i like people to be honest to me, bad words won't hurt me, consolation and fake compliments do. some people may say it's over, no point comment so much on it, as it won't make a difference... ya, the event maybe over, but your life goes on, it doesn't end with the event. the mistakes done in the event would let you learn precious lessons which are helpful for your whole life, it was just a process or stage of growing up. so i had taken a long time to figure out whether the event was successful, and honestly till now i still have no idea about it. Did the event really brought a good impact to those involved which is permanent? is everyone really closer to each other after the event? Did someone really learnt something from it? will it be a memorable 1 for everyone? i don't know... But at least i did get something from it... at least i got a chance to learn to talk in front of people, which i hated so much but now get used to it already. and i found it was not hard to do an event, the hardest part is to bring people together, to convince them and to instill the passion and spirit to them, when people get together with a same goal and thought, the strength is not imaginable, and impossible is nothing, we could change the world!!!! "An employer cares for his employees because that brings him profit, a leader cares for the outcomes because this benefits his followers". would you be a employer or a leader? in this case, i was neither both, i was just a coordinator, which coordinates people who are great leaders to themselves to do things. I don't hope anyone to see Pharmily Day 2010 as my event, because it belongs to everyone in the Pharmily.... 1 last story before ending on this part, at the day before Pharmily Day 2010, one of my batchmate came and wish me good luck for "my event", honestly i was hurted, because this showed i had failed as a director, as i had failed to instill a sense of belonging to them... anyway, it's just a process a learning, it's good that i know what i had not done enough.

Again, i was in the college basketball team, this time with the role as the ex-captain. actually it was indifferent with other ordinary players, just i had to give more support and help to my captain, trying to be the "invisible hero", who is trying to get players to follow the captain's words, trying to make the trainings more enjoyable, trying to create a harmony atmosphere in the team, trying to cover the things that is not supposed to be done by the captain but is beneficial to the team. i hope i've done well, and hope i don't stressed the captain too much, and really sorry for hard words. It was great this year because we finally have some proper trainings and style of plays. first time learning basketball strategies, which is confusing but nice. first time having so much team yumcha sessions, which is fun. Too bad we lost in a really bad way... Really emo after losing, because i rarely had my team winning since i played, and i had never owned a medal. Well i started late maybe... hoped i had started playing basketball earlier. that day, i really felt losing all my passion, and wanted to stop playing. In fact, i had later found out i had never really lost my passion, it was the burning passion that gave me the disappointment.

Had try to play hand ball in SUKMUM this year, it felt great, but again, we lost.... haiz, wonder why every team i played for would always loses.. very surprise that got people ask to join the UM handball team... Hmmm, too bad i refused... it was really not my game. anyway, a very good experience indeed, would play again next year if given the chance again.

The october of my third year was so busy, all the presentations, assignment due dates, pharmily day, SUKMUM.... and i felt so empty after these things ended... hahaha... because for these things, i had refuse to go outings with my friends and coursemates so many times and i had used to the days without outings, and i suddenly don't know what to do to fill the free times, haha...Then, there comes the longest study weeks ever, 3 weeks, and the most boring holiday ever... i spent whole month at home doing nothing, can't believe i can live like that.

there comes the second semester, where once again i don't understand how could i being selected as the class rep... well, at least for this i am not skipping classes anymore... that's the good part i think... and i hope i had done good enough in help my coursemates...

First time playing basketball in NPSC, being the captain again... I can't resist the temptation when people ask me to play, at least now i realised my passion is still there... this time, most of my teammates were playing in a real game for first times. first time i was the most experienced 1 in a team and i really need to guide them. I hope i had done a better job than the last time i had been a captain. don't really have time and facilities for training, so again we lost..... sad... anyway it was fun. first time I had the chance to play Outside of UM, got the chance to visit USM, which is far more beautiful than UM, and thanks zutang for bringing us to so much place with so much delicious food in penang. 15 years old was the age when i first touched a basketball, and i had only started playing in a formal game at 18, during matriculation... i started really late compare to many, but later on i was madly in love with this game. i had played other sports before, which once badminton was my first choice game, but later on i found i love basketball the most, because unlike badminton, i dun feel lonely on the court... lol... my basketball "career" might have only 1 year left, as after graduating, most probably there won't be any chance to play in a formal game, and maybe won't have much time to play as a recreation too... Hmmm, life would be really bored without basketball... In fact, i had not been playing for quite a long time since NPSC, it felt like losing a big chunk of myself.... i guess my passion towards basketball will always stay, it's in my blood.. hoping to share this passion to others, sharing the happiness it had brought to me, and also the qualities embedded in this game, sportsmanship, discipline, teamwork， persistence....

Had the first ever coursemate trip ever, in the asian water sport park... it was great!!!!! hope we'll have more of these... but in fact, i felt quite far from my coursemates this year, i had been doing different things from them alone, the number of outings and trips with them reduced... the good word will be independent, harsh word would be isolated... haha... i am not blaming anyone, well everyone have their own life and preferences...

with reduced numbers of day time outings, i had numerous times of suppers and teatime sessions outside, usually due to spontaneous ideas of my roommates and neighbours, and we ate all kinds of food for, bakuteh, nasi lemak, curry wantan mee, durians, chops and steaks, KFC, McD, etc... too much to be all listed... that made me fat and broke, haha..

for the academic part, entering third year the things learnt now seems to be more relevant to my career, which are intersting... more applications and more practicals... and i love to have lab sessions as it is fun and i like to play... but sometimes it had been stressful when it comes to marking... anyway, trying to enjoy the practicals as much as i can... had been inspired by quite a number people's career as a pharmacist... prof ian wong, a hong kong born professor who is now living in UK would be the one whom i specially remembered... he came to give a talk, and i could really felt his passion as a clinical pharmacist, how he feels the pain of his patient, and how much he cares for his patients . That gave me quite a big motivation to continue my studies, as i know my career can make my life meaning, and i can give a impact to the world. that motivates me more than telling me how much money i can earn... anyway, my results still suck...

that's a brief summary of my third year... it would not be a complete 1,as my memory is limited, anyway i hope i did not misss any important part...

i am bad

Had ignored my both phones for such a long time, just taken a look and found three missed calls, all from parents, made 3 hours ago.... Not going to call back, they must had fallen asleep... Had forgotten the last time i heard their voice. In fact, i had never phoned them, it was always they were calling... Very weird that i always have nothing to talk with them, and each time they called, it only lasts for 2-3 minutes... Rarely having activities with them, movies, outings, shopping, vacations... Can hardly remember any of these that i had went together with them... rarely had any celebrations together with them, birthdays? father's & mother's days? anniversaries? can easily count the numbers of the celebrations we had together as it is really few... it had been like this throughout these years.. well, they are always busy, and i was not able to "organize" such activities at that time... maybe now i should really do something? i am a bad son huh?
Just knew from facebook, my brother is having a basketball game tomorrow... and the tournament had started for quite a long time... wow!!! really "early" for me to know it now... had been very late, not going to wish him good luck, in fact even if i knew it early, i am not going to wish him... i want to but really hard to speak out those words, even your own family, it felt so ~~~~~~, hmmm hard to describe... actually its a lot more easier to say such thing to a friend compare to family... my brother is 8 years younger than me, hardly have a common interest and topic at the same time. Furthermore, facing a boy at his age of rebellion really is challenging your temper. In fact, we don't have much interaction too, i hope we have more, even if it is an argument. hmmmm, i am a bad brother huh?

是谁变了？

千万个意愿想回去跟你们一起，我比谁都在乎这个群体，从来未想过你们在我心中占了如此重要的地位。。。从前一直把这看成一个负担，缠着我很不自在，一直等着机会逃脱，一走了之。走了才发现我其实不能少了你们，失去你们，生命就缺了一大块。。。从一开始被强迫加入，到后来慢慢建立起的归属感，与你们的回忆好坏参半，但总是那么难忘。。。是你们让我成长，是你们造就了今天的我，真的很谢谢你们，很感恩我曾是你们的一分子，这是上帝赐给我最大的恩典。。。很惭愧我没为你们做了什么，有时是心有余而力不足，其实多半是自己诸多借口，是自己任性，总觉得外面的生活精彩，不愿被束缚在那个鸟不生蛋的地方，才不愿回去；而且也不觉得你们需要我，回去也做不了什么。。。离开了你们这么久，你们也做得很好，而且更胜从前。。。
不懂你们还当不当我是你们的一分子，但请不要质疑我有多在乎你们，我也曾与你们一起苦过哭过，不当我是一分子我不怪你们，是我不好，但请别把我们之间的友谊也丢掉了。。。千万个意愿想从新与你们一起打拼，但我能感到你们的变化，变得冷漠，因该很恨我吧。。。我脸皮不够厚，不懂该怎么做。。。
能和你们一起的时光没剩多少，很对不起之前把一大段的时间浪费了，现在只希望能用我仅剩的少少时间禰补回去，如果还有机会的话。。。
你们是我的精神支柱，当我在这个乱世里放荡堕落时，是你们把我拉住了，不让我再陷下去，让我站稳我的立场。。
希望你们能继续作主衷心的仆人，继续造就其他人，好像你们造就我一样。。。当然，就算没有与你们一起，我承诺也会在自己的领域上造就他人，带着与你们一样的信念，一样的宗旨。。。

if time could rewind

Easily falling into the past, always thinking that how good would it be if time could rewind.
Always thinking if i could get back to that time, i could take better measures, i wouldn't give it up so easily, i would start earlier.
if time could rewind, i could fill those emptiness and mistakes...
Too bad, i can't... should look forward instead...

weak

yes i m weak...
what or who gave me those confidence all this time?
at least now i realise that i am weak,and it will take my pride away...
that's the only good thing i think...

doubts

doubting the path i had chosen again after 1 and a half years.
i don't really like what i had chosen at the beginning,its all about the money,
but somehow being motivated as i realize how much changes i could make to the world by taking this path, how many people i could save.
Had been willing to bear this responsibility although it would be hard and need lots of sacrifices, but it makes my life a lot more meaningful.
so, i was so sure that i wanted what i had chosen for a period of 1 and a half years, despite marked declining results.
i never doubt my own ability, was so confident that it was my perspective that is differ from the authorities and my unwillingness to give up my stand caused the declining results. Or maybe the authorities were biased. Or there were too much things i had to take care which distracted me from doing well.
i am really doubting myself now. Am i on the right path? First time, i really tried hard with the least distraction and fullest preparation ever, but still get a shit...
sure i can continue this path with my current situation, my life is still secured, probably same with those did well, just lack of little pride.... it wont be a problem if it only affects myself, but in fact it is not. I am dealing with human's life.
besides, really hard to give up my pride, it drives me to do things...
Was thinking to change my path but it affects not only myself, too much things and people will be affected... i can't be so capricious, especially when i had a family that had been in a hard condition for years and needed me for a improvement.
Giving myself one last chance